Marathon Training is like a Marriage Retreat

I haven't typed in this blog for a long time and primarily because I've been going through a physical and mental transformation with this Carlsbad Marathon training. All the days are the same and I can't complain because I've gone through some pretty interesting changes. I've lost 22 lbs since last year, donated half my large/medium sized clothes, have lots more energy to play with my kids both at home and work, and I am totally loving the attention I get from the people who've known me when I was a size 14 at 165 lbs!

The most interesting days of my marathon training are when my mileage gets to the double digits. I've never pushed myself this long and far before. I'm actually going to set a personal record for longest distance traveling by foot! 26.2 miles. I did 13.1 miles back in 2004 for the America's Finest City Half Marathon..and that was so worth it. 26.2 miles seems like a killer but I plan to do this event once in my life..and we'll see if I get bit by the bug for any future marathons. So far I am loving my Sunday long runs with my husband. It's like a date with David on these days even though we have different paces. It's just fun to see him on the same track and checking out his body language (ie. is he enjoying it? is he having a good time? is he suffering?)

According to the book, His Needs Her Needs, men's top desire in a relationship is to have a spouse who is willing to share in the same recreational activity. So far it's become a no brainer in the Miller family that we both love exercise. It'll be a sad day when neither of us has the limbs to move. We'll have to come up with another recreational activity like maybe board game competitions or something. But anyways, this marathon training has really bonded us closer together. Our marriage has become the strongest ever and I plan on maintaining this strength training :) Wow..we've come so far!

Take 5 (Steps)

Chloe stepped her longest distance today!! 5 toddling steps. We are so proud :) These aren't her first steps (those happened last week)...these are her longest! You could see the glee in her eyes. Yay!

Our agent called us this week and asked how soon we could move out. Escrow will close sooner than we thought. Sunday is our last day. Today we all went to Cleveland Ave to put away the last of our unpacked things. David spent his time and energy in the garage. I spent mine on the toilets, showers, tubs and bathroom sinks. Breanna spent her time walking to the neighbors place and tossing what she called gifts, which were her old toys that she found in the garage that she hoped our former neighborhood friend would like…seemed like David might have gathered them all back since it made a mess of their yard. Chloe fortunately slept half the time I was cleaning and when she woke up I penned her in the master bedroom and continued cleaning until she got so bored. She got to try out the new carpet.

It was a really hard day. Part of me felt that the move to mama and papas never had happened…it felt like I was at home yet without furniture. I am extremely visual and every point and angle I see of the house brought back memories that I couldn't stuff. I let myself relive them while a toddling toddler toddled all around me, unaware of the traumatic changes that had persistently tortured her parents for 6 months. We are riding the economic pendulum and while they say that the recession is over, lots of recovery has to take place. It's so hard to leave a place I loved. I've moved many times before during college but I never really loved or learned so much in that state of life…so I wasn't attached. This house was different. It's where I learned to cook, learned to fight, learned to be a wife…it's a place where I raised my kids, where I learned so much about balancing life… it's where my life in a way got started. 

So many memories I treasure about that house that gave us security, privacy, boundaries to learn about ourselves (and the intuition that God gave us). What I loved most about living in our own Miller home was the freedom to rest in that little corner between two walls and be comfortable in the presence of God. And there were lots of little corners to plop into. It's a bit harder to do that here at our kids' grandparents house where there are two more people from my past that changes all the dynamics of my Miller family. We aren't as comfy to be ourselves here; and there is unfortunately a bitter, cold war going on in this house…it's of multiple unfinished businesses. Demons walk boldly through the walls of this Vidal house. Skeletons creep out and make music with their hallow bones…you can't hear it with your ears but that untouchable part of me sort of feels it between my head and heart and it feels like a scary living dead. I like that the house is bigger and cleaner here but the dysfunctional-ity here wreaks a foul smell. We are looking forward to having our own place again. For now we will tolerate the chaotic "dementia".

Anyways, we've reached the tail end of our hardship yet unfortunately this tail got sharp spikes that has a sting to its whip. Sorting through memories are the hardest thing to do. We miss the house so much. The best thing we've done for ourselves was walk through the neighborhood's wiggly sidewalk like we always had done as a family and shared our memories, both good and bad. We got extra fresh oxygen and a good 20 plus minutes of left-brain, right-brain healing. Some in the psychology field may know the process as EMDR. If David and I weren't seeing a professional doctor during these trying times, I wouldn't know how we'd survive as a family or marriage. I thank God for helping us learn the step by step process of grieving. Interestingly thought though is that God created the scientific minds who became professionals to teach others how to grieve. It all comes back to God, our creator.

Thank you, God.

Breaking up is hard to do

Who ever thought that losing a home due to loss of income would feel like breaking up a relationship? Grieving is really a hard matter in life. All the happy memories that made our home an entity. I am thankful that we are not quite homeless since mom and dad took us in, but feeling at home here is not the same as coming home to our own 4 walls of privacy with our own sets of rules and boundaries for the kids. Unfortunately here at the grandparents house we've lost some control over where the kids go when they are outside the home with the grandparents. Anyways, David and I are looking forward to moving out of here. We are taking up space. I want my own place for my girls. David needs to get happy. I deserve a happy marriage. It's time to move on, but we have at least one more year to wait until we could be financially restored since the loss of our home and income. Mom and dad aren't charging us much to live here but we really are using up lots of their water, space, and energy. Lord help us cope.

Hecti-City

I probably mentioned this before, but I'll mention it again...life gets more hectic with two children. We live in a pretty small house. I prefer to call it a condo because it's as small as a typical condo, except that we have this huge (really huge) yard for our family. Okay, I might be exaggerating about the size of the yard but it really is larger than we had prepared ourselves for when we bought it. Since the drought level started rising, we decided it kill the lawn and now we have an ugly landscape. We're still adjusting our budget so that we could afford some gravel and wood chips...and it'll take time.

Back to the talk hectic-ity, I learned how to tread water by taking care of things right away or else procrastination will kill me. It already has and it's made me really unhappy and depressed, but with this new change and greater responsibility I will keep up. It's time to grow up.

He Works Hard For The Money

I'm a little nervous about tomorrow's Holter Monitor fitting...not because of the actual monitoring process, but of the financial stress involved in paying for this service and all other health services when we're already so low in money. I feel a bit guilty for having a health problem when I shouldn't feel guilty. I appreciate that David is supporting me in paying for my health things but I really feel like it should be my responsibility to pay for my own health issues...thus work outside the house. Chloe is at that age where she could be left with someone trusted while I work for money. Now talking about money...I'm not getting enough of to pay for the basics by working at the preschool. We're living paycheck to paycheck. I'm thinking about working in marketing again to overcome this situation. I wish there were a design job for me to work that paid well...or I wish we won the lottery =). We probably should move to afford our family or that we get better financial condition.

Mom and Me

It's amazing that having a second child has changed my strained relationship with my mom for something better. I've never needed so much help in my life and for once (per the request of my family practitioner) asking my mom for help has been the greatest experience next to that time my mom attended my award ceremony way back in second grade when I got noticed for Most Improved. That's the latest proud moment I could remember with my mom. I'm pretty sure she's had more recent proud-of-Tracy moments, but they don't stick out as loudly as that elementary school memory. Now that's been a long time for feeling noticed, accepted...and loved. Mom's glow and giddiness shows now that I've been relying on her for help since Chloe's been born, and I like it. This only means that I'm going to continually keep her by my side so that I could watch this new relationship with her unfold. There's a lot of mending to do between she and I. Though it's been over 30 years for positive change to happen between us, at least it's happening ~ and mom is still alive to re-experience what it's like to be a daughter again.

Breanna is such a wonderful kid. I was feeling more overwhelmed than usual today and cried silently on Breanna's bed. I tried to hide my emotions from my family but somehow they knew how sad I was because they kept following me and asking why I was sullen. The house was a mess. Dinner was late. I couldn't get anything right on time...which is a farfetched goal for a new mom to this infant. Somehow Breanna knew that I was really sad I couldn't keep house as I lay on her bed and she said the sweetest thing: "Mommy, you go to sleep and Breanna will clean the whole house." She really did...well at least whatever she could get her mitts on. Such a sweet kid. I didn't even know I raised her this way.

Time Crunch

Raising two children definitely is tougher than raising one. I give lots of praise to the people who've raised more than 2 children because they are more than a handful. Maybe my body is still recovering but I can't get the house cleaned or dinner ready by the time David comes home from work. I'm either tired and need a nap or a break or my one month old needs to be taken care of. Either event takes lots of time. When will the time come when things will run smoothly in the house? Having a messy house stresses David and I ~ Breanna does nothing but make a big mess. I'm considering hiding her playthings so that there wouldn't be so much to pick up since she won't pick up as fast as I want her to...then again I want her to have the freedom to categorize her toys and learn from them since most of her toys are learning toys anyways. What to do?

One thing that would help is to have David work out in the gym in the early mornings instead of the evenings when I really need help. Breanna's lunch needs to be made; the house needs a pick up; Chloe gets tons more cranky by the late afternoon; I need a break; dinner; night time routines... Everything happens at night.

Anyways, I'm looking forward to the days I get breaks. Seems like David and I will have to schedule into our calendar me and us time from now on since we don't get it like we used to just months before getting pregnant with Chloe Joyce.

Mayhem Mania

These past two days have been pretty hectic for the Millers. First of all, I had my cooking frenzy on Tuesday that took a long 8 hours since 1PM. Then there was the full day yesterday where I drove Breanna to school and heading out for my doctor appointment all the way down in Hillcrest ~ Chloe, as my passenger, cried all the way which drove me batty! During both days, I was so busy doing something that I didn't have the time or energy to put order into the house. 2 days of mayhem. I realized early in our marriage that a clean house meant a peacefully rested mind for David. This means that if the house is in disarray, David will get batty, which also means that I will get batty too if David is batty. So to nip it in the bud, I've got to clean the house. Sometimes I wish we had someone who knew where everything belongs to come by and put things away for us during these hectic moments. It's not easy to relax by pretending that everything is fung shui.

So my goals today: tidy house, drop off Breanna's lunch before noon, wash blankets, pick up Bre and try to fit other tasks on my bucket list. Phew! That's already so much to do in my condition. Let's see if I could do it without hurting myself.

Helpful Parents

My in-laws are incredibly helpful around the house. I can't believe it sometimes. All the little (and some big) projects that David and I've kept on the back burner are getting done. I have not expected them to do such deeds but I am sure thankful that they're giving us a boost in our list of agendas. Here's just a small list of the things they've done in a weeks time:

1. Many plants got replanted to make the front yard look cleaner...and what a difference just a few plants make. Colleen also rearranged our stepping stones to fit into the tiny planter against the wall, creating a cute pattern with my favorite type plant (the blue fescue). She also pulled out weeds around the house to make the natural landscape stand out more.
2. Bruce installed my new shower curtain rod that I never got a chance to do since I got the cute thing. He also suggested and surveyed some changes that needed to be made with our fence and air conditioning unit.
3. The garage got tidied up a bit.
4. Chloe's clothes from auntie Barbette got sorted through by size.

Role Playing

With all the pressures of life while I'm getting heavier and obviously pregnant, I'm sort of having a hard time balancing all my roles as I'm nearing the END. Pray for renewed energy and a sense of humor.

Happy New Year 2010

So much good stuff is going to happen this year and I'm so eager to welcome them:

1. Breanna's sister will be born
2. We're going to start adding little things to our yards and house....I've waited forever
3. We get to spend all the cool holidays of 2010 as a family of 4!
4. So much more that I can't list or think right now.

Christmas Recuperation

Trying to acquire a sense of normalcy after a long stay-cation at mama & papa's house. We had lots of fun with uncle Virgil and auntie Quyen and our whole family from both sides (Vidal & Gonzales).

Breanna got some good presents this year from:
auntie Ellen & family (backpack, crayons, lip balm)
auntie Sheryl & family (Tinkerbell night light)
auntie Vanya & family (I forget)
auntie Lory & family (Hello Kitty shirt & Miller frame)
lola Lily Paras (jeans & jacket)
lola Lita ($)
lola Lilia (jeans & pajamas)
uncle Virgil & auntie Quyen (monkey on the bed duvet)
and of course mommy and daddy (ear piercings, Frosty, Sophia the cat)

First step for normalcy, 5 loads of laundry.

Reaping Rewards

I'm enjoying watching my parents reap their rewards for their crazy festive holiday light show. It took them about 2.5 weeks to put up themselves after Thanksgiving and the days are finally here for them to enjoy their creation. They love spying on the people who stop in front of their house and have even made little picture taking spots for those who want to pose with the house as a background.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Hey friends and fam!!! Christmas "block party" at mom's neighborhood (Candy Cane Courts) this Sunday (20th), Wednesday (23rd) & Thursday (24th). Hickory Street & Butterwood Court in Poway. Hot cocoa...firepits...caroling...apple cider...lights...karaoke! I love watching everyone enjoying our service to all.

This truly is our favorite time of the year...especially for David our Christmas Karaoke DJ!

Blind Husband

David seems to be really hostile when I ask questions about his faith. He's pretty confused and stubborn and I'm always trying to peep inside to see how far God has worked into his life...or if David is allowing God inside at all. I wonder where and when David's relationship with the church got severed. The last he enjoyed fellowship was with our former EFCC couples bible study that dissolved after everyone started having kids.

Power Struggles with Grandma

I get really upset watching how my mom handles Breanna's fits, which makes their relationship full of power battles. I'm sad to say that my mom was/is not a good role model as a mom when it comes to people relations. She may be an awesome helper for all the different committees that she's involved but in a family level, she's clueless. Now that she's a grandma things are a little different than when she raised me, but she's still not so great a role model. I'm trying to teach her not to lie to Breanna and to always be true to her word so that B can trust grandma. So far my little girl knows how to push grandma's buttons and initiate an rampage of grandma's emotions. Who know's? My job is to protect my daughter(s) and my highest goal is to help grandma be a better mother and grandmother.

Missing Husband...Have You Seen Him?

David has been coming home around 11pm since Saturday working hard on his programming project. The C# final assignment had been eating away at our marriage and I'm looking forward for David to finish up. I want my husband back - ALIVE! I finally broke down in tears this morning telling him how much I miss him and that we're in desperate need for a date...and hopefully something more romantic like a Wanga Wanga :)

Grapes

I couldn't figure out what to dress for Halloween. It wasn't a typical Halloween night for us anyway because David had to work all night...so I wasn't motivated to dress myself. Breanna wanted to be a princess initially (and we had all the costume props for her Cinderella dress)...but once she found out that I decided to be grapes, she wanted to be my twin. Then I decided to just give her the costume. She was a big hit Halloween night.