In Shock

Oh my God!! I can't believe I actually went through w/ that stupid amniocentesis test. I feel more worried than before since I have to look out for symptoms of miscarriage in these next few days: vaginal spotting, extreme cramping, and high fever. I felt so ambivalent about taking this test and kinda feel ashamed for taking it. I know that I'm making it sound worse than it could be, but it kinda goes against my personal beliefs. So how did I do it or why did I go on w/ it? I just shut my negative mind off and convinced myself that everything will be all right b/c every experience I've read/listened to of other women having this test was positive -- meaning, the baby turned out to be fine and the pregnancy was normal. I just hate it that I've subjected myself to such invasive testing.

It was really scary. It reminded me of another traumatic hospital/clinic experience I've had years before which I don't want to mention again here in this journal. The room was dark (of course, to see the ultrasound screen) -- the medical staff were trying to be personable (and they did their best) -- the sounds of the computer and the rubber gloves snapping and the swishing of the iodine solution cleaning my belly and that steril smell -- it all reminded me of that traumatic experience I hate to mention, but for cryptic sake I call it the "ABC".

My mom was there next to me. She was giving the medical staff a hard time about sitting down during the procedure. She felt guilty for being offered a stool and she thought that single stool in the office was for the doctor but actually the doctors don't even use it. O well, that's the Catholic guilt thing for you.

I was glad the doctor explained every single detail happening to my body and baby. He alerted when I'd feel the prick of the needle, the cramping of the uterus, and the removal of the needle. I liked him, but I think I might have made him a little anxious b/c he saw my face was very worried yet hopeful.

I really hope my baby is okay. I'm sorry to have let you near such possible pain, little girl. Brianna Grace Miller. David picked that name for you. I was hoping he'd agree w/ Anaya Grace or Anaya Rose Miller. We'll see what other names we can come up w/ for you, our little baby girl. You are so adorable in my little womb, opening/closing your mouth. You are cute!